What a year!

It's been one hell of a year, hasn't it?

I've returned to the workforce following an 18-month sabbatical during which time I think I've learned how to write, have begun to understand my daughter which is one of the best things I could have hoped for, and my son is blossoming.

On the down side, I have fallen even farther away from my mother and sister than I had expected, and am still struggling with how to have a healthy relationship with someone who loves me. (Frankly, I can be such a bitch around him that I can't stand myself.)

The deal with my mom and sister occurred over Christmas. (Oh, how horribly predictable!) I knew the trip home would be difficult, but hadn't figured just how uncomfortable I'd feel there. Now, when I say home, what I mean is the town where my my mother and sister reside. It has never been my home, but theirs.

It was the first time I had seen my mother in almost three years due to a rift in our relationship. I'm not sure what I expected, but her decline into complete self-interest wasn't it. Not that she hasn't always been overly-involved with herself, but seeing how that tendency has played out with age was a shock. Unless she is talking about herself, during which time she is animated and mentally sharp, she stares off into space caught up in her own thoughts and completely disinterested in conversation going on around her. It was as though her metal acuity or personality could be turned off or on in an instant depending on the topic of conversation. Granted, she's not a young thing anymore and so can be forgiven the eccentricities, lags in memory, or other such things as come with great years. But she gets around so well for an new octogenarian that I hadn't anticipated this... what can I call it? Vacuity isn't really it as she's sharp as can be when she cares to be. Self-absorption is the only label I can summon.

She didn't bother to ask her grandchildren how they were, how our various flights or drives were, nothing. Zip. The only time she spoke was about herself. And she can do that for hours, literally.

It was weird.

Then I had a disagreement with my sister and discovered something new. (Why is it the new discoveries are always about the things which are so obvious?) She has always been wrapped up in a simmering rage that takes little to provoke. Those around her learn to walk gently and avoid her temper when possible. But this time I couldn't and told her how upset I was. She responded by attacking my character and name calling. Her version of a reasonable discussion, I suppose. I realize that her anger with me was warranted. I'm no saint. It was her approach that was unnecessary and, frankly, harmful to our relationship. Why had I never noticed her verbal punches before? Because I didn't want to. I've lived with a version of our relationship that made me happy. I wonder now whether this image actually exists.

So, when she was finished yelling, I walked away much saddened. Pat, my kids and I left the following morning making the fourteen-hour drive home by early evening.

It's good to be here.

And now the new year hearkens. I haven't a clue as to what it holds for us, but I do know that my focus is going to be on my immediate family and our relationships with each other -- listening to my daughter and helping her to trust me more, laughing with my son and helping him push beyond his limits, and yes, being a better mate (although this truly scares me.)

I wish a fulfilling, contentment-making year to all my friends, Becca, Stephen, Richard, Kristina, John, Peace Mama, MaryJoy, Carrie, Lisa, Martha, Erin (I love you tons,) members of my writing group, Gail (yes, we must get together for coffee soon,) Donna (great luck with the new book,) my students, and others not mentioned here. Please know that even when I drop out of sight for a bit, I am still thinking about you and wishing you well.

Lots of love,
Colleen