Nuggets of gold

One of the untold joys of sitting in a doctor's waiting room and thumbing through ancient magazines are the forgotten news nuggets one can mine.

I, for example, discovered yesterday a health condition from which I am never going to suffer. At mid-life, finding such a thing is gold. I know all the stuff I'm at risk of, but, my friends, I can tell you that I'll never suffer from orthorexia nervosa -- an obsession with health food.

"In 1997, Dr. Bratman coined the term 'orthorexia nervosa' to describe a condition he'd seen in some of his patients: obsession with healthy diet to such an extent that it seemed to him like an eating disorder."

From the 2001 issue of Canadian Living, here is Dr. Bratman's 10-question quiz to determine if you're at risk. If you answer 'yes' to two or three, you have a touch of orthorexia. Four or more and you're in trouble. In the interests of full disclosure, here are my answers.

1. Do you spend more than three hours a day thinking bout healthy food? (For four hours, give yourself two points.)
Yes. Oh, was that healthy food? Oh. Well, no.

2. Do you plan tomorrow's food today?
If I could plan today's food today, we wouldn't own shares in Kraft peanut butter.

3. Do you care more about the virtue of what you eat than the pleasure you receive from eating it?
Is this a serious question? I don't even stop to consider my own virtue let alone that of whatever I'm stuffing into my mouth.

4. Have you found that as the quality of your diet has increased, the quality of your life has correspondingly diminished?
Has the quality of my food ever increased? Hmmm. I'll have to get back to you on this one.

5. Do you keep getting stricter with yourself?
Definitely. Why only yesterday, I limited myself to one date square instead of two.

6. Do you sacrifice experiences you once enjoyed to eat the food you believe is right?
I believe Ambrose Bierce said it best: "Self-denial is indulgence of a propensity to forego."

7. Do you feel an increased sense of self-esteem when you are eating healthy food? Do you look down on other who do not?
The only way I could ever look down on someone who ate less-healthy food than me would be if they subsisted on a diet made up entirely of deep-fried pork rinds. I do, on occasion, quaff a V-8, after all... There, I did just feel a tad superior.

8. Do you feel guilt or self-loathing when you stray from your diet?
Diet? What diet?

9. Does your diet socially isolate you from others?
Only if they insist on eating only healthy foods.

10. When you are eating the way you are supposed to, do you feel a peaceful sense of total control?
Eat the way I'm supposed to? As determined by whom? A peaceful sense of total control? Is it possible to feel at peace and in total control at the same time? I don't undertand the question.

______________________
I passed!

No orthoriexia nervosa here.

Have a great day,
Colleen

Four days (could it be only four days?) till Bad Girl... I can't wait.
-------------------------------

Back to the salt mine today, but before I go here's a great quote I just stumbled upon.

Some people are like a Slinky: not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

C

A new use for fur

Five days to Bad Girl's release! (And my birthday, but who's counting?)

There's only one thing hotter than doing something you shouldn't... Getting caught.

___________________________

I'm beginning the next draft of one of my manuscripts -- I now have two on the go which I realize may not be the best approach to writing -- and I need some good focus time. Therefore, rather than post my own brilliant missive today, I am steering you to Rich Mahogany's blog for your reading pleasure.

NOTE OF CAUTION: Anyone disturbed by the mention of feminine hygiene products should just move along... there's nothing to see here.

Enjoy!
Colleen

To get the weekend off and running

The Onion:

Massachusetts Supreme Court Orders All Citizens To Gay Marry
(OMG... Conservatives were right all along.... )

Everyone Should Own A Gun For Protection And Possibly For Suicide


And for the writers in the crowd...

This Week, Let's Try A Reading From The Bible I Wrote

I Could Write A Better Rubaiyat Than That Khayyam Dipshit

Author Wishes She Hadn't Blown Personal Tragedy On First Book

Stephen King calls it quits

Extra-Slanty Italics Introduced For Extremely Important Words

Now More Than Ever, Humanity Needs My Back To The Future Fan Fiction

Have a great weekend!

Colleen

The Simpsons

In case this blog was getting too highbrow, I'm injecting a little pop culture. :-)

Drum roll, please.

Introducing my Simpsons alter-ego.

Here's the link, if you'd like to create your own.

Colleen

The Onion: John Edwards Vows To End All Bad Things By 2011

AMES, IA—In an effort to jump-start a presidential campaign that still has not broken into the top Democratic tier, former Sen. John Edwards made his most ambitious policy announcement yet at a campaign event in Iowa Monday: a promise to eliminate all unpleasant, disagreeable, or otherwise bad things from all aspects of American life by the end of his second year in office...

"Racism will soon be a thing of the past," Edwards said. "Same goes for being picked last for playground athletics, AIDS, robbery, not having enough spending money, and murder. Because these things are bad and not good, I promise they will be eliminated."

Other bad things the 2004 vice-presidential nominee vowed to end include the housing crisis, skinned knees, frowns, steep staircases, jailbreaks, water that is too cold to swim in, pain, traffic, being tired in the morning, sprained ankles, hunger, not having enough energy at night, teen pregnancy, cases of the blahs, thunder, the high cost of admission to events, type 2 diabetes, games of tic-tac-toe with no clear winner, the lack of parking in urban areas, forgetting birthdays, child prostitution, and confusion.

Read full article here.

Enjoy!
Colleen

The Onion: Longtime Married Couple Subjected To Excruciating 'Romantic Weekend Getaway'

This had me laughing so hard, I cried. Thanks again to Becca who is the fastest worker I know thus allowing her the time to find this stuff.

Longtime Married Couple Subjected To Excruciating 'Romantic Weekend Getaway'
The Onion/August 10, 2005 Issue 41•32


Edna and Duane Schumacher prepare to leave home for their agonizing weekend at FantasyLand (inset).

KENOSHA, WI—Sources report that longtime married couple Duane and Edna Schumacher's weekend stay at Chicago's FantasyLand Suites was a grueling ordeal of unwelcome interruptions to their long-established marital routine.

"Oh, for Jiminy Cricket," Edna, 52, said Monday after returning from the trip, a 30th anniversary gift from her daughters. "Why the girls thought either one of us would find such an experience enjoyable is beyond me."

Read the rest here.

Colleen

Guys and cats and my partner Pat

I was awakened last night by the itch of a black fly bite. The warmth of my blankets generating the maddening urge to scratch until scratch I did. After leaving enough of my DNA on the bed sheets for a Law and Order crime scene (nothing like overwrought hyperbole with your Cornflakes) I grabbed pen and paper and this is the result.

-----------------------------

It has occurred to me that I am afraid of commitment. As someone who has always been with someone -- with the exception of one decade of celibacy, fodder for another day -- this didn't occur to me until recently. I have always thought that I wanted to be married, but this is not the case. Funny how the obvious can skip by without notice.

Just ask my partner.

We've been engaged for three years. He wanted to get married right away. I said I wanted an outdoor wedding and, since we had just purchased a house, landscaping would have to be done.

"Sometime next year," I said.

When friends and family asked for a date, I stammered so pitifully they've stopped asking.

Last year, my betrothed looked at me, stark realization upon his face and said: "We're no closer to getting married now than we were two years ago."

My shocked and insensitive response was: "You mean you think about that?"

This year, I've stopped wearing my engagement ring. The stone is a little loose. It's safer in the drawer.

I've tried marriage on twice. During the first fiasco, I would have dreams that my fingers were swelling and I had to fight to get the rings off them. In the morning, I'd wake up ringless, and the hunt to locate where I had thrown them would be on. The marriage lasted 11 months. The second for 18. Both were finished by the time I was 26 and I haven't done it since.

I remember one boyfriend who thought that public proposals were really cool. Say over the Videotron at a football game. "Tacky," I said. Truth be told, it wasn't so much the poor taste of such an act, but the idea of my deer-in-the-headlights reaction played for all to see that troubled me.

I've never done the proposal response well. And I've had lots of practice.

I think guys are like cats that way. If you don't like cats just visit someone who has them, the feline will spend the evening shedding on your lap. There could be 20 people in a room calling: "here, kitty, kitty." If I'm there, they don't stand a chance. I'll ignore it from a sincere lack of interest and won't be able to get that damn ball of insolence off me.

Like a guy with a ring.

Even when I was a little girl playing with my dolls, I had a boyfriend while my friends had husbands. (Their most notable choices where either Chip or Robbie from My Three Sons. Hardly a wonder, you might say, that I opted for singledom. And yes, I am that old.)

My father was appalled when my mother replied yes to my question: "Could I have a baby without getting married?"

Today, when I introduce my significant other, I refer to him as my partner, a term he hates. But I don't know what else to call him. "How about your fiance?" he asks. "That sounds so pretentious," I reply. However, since my partner has a gender-neutral name, my reference to him has caused a few to question my sexual inclination. I guess saying "my partner, Pat" will do that. I think this is funny. But I have an odd sense of humour, I've been told. I think people need to lighten up.

Maybe that should be a motto of some sort: Laugh more/Marry less.

I'm lucky my partner Pat is such a patient guy.

Colleen

If that editor isn't getting back to you...

Worker dead at desk for five days

Bosses of a publishing firm are trying to work out why no one noticed that one of their employees had been sitting dead at his desk for FIVE DAYS before anyone asked if he was feeling okay.

George Turklebaum, 51, who had been employed as a proof-reader at a New York firm for 30 years, had a heart attack in the open-plan office he shared with 23 other workers. He quietly passed away on Monday, but nobody noticed until Saturday morning when an office cleaner asked why he was still working during the weekend.

His boss Elliot Wachiaski said: "George was always the first guy in each morning and the last to leave at night, so no one found it unusual that he was in the same position all that time and didn't say anything. He was always absorbed in his work and kept much to himself."

A post mortem examination revealed that he had been dead for five days after suffering a coronary. Ironically, George was proofreading manuscripts of medical textbooks when he died.

... You may want to give your co-workers a nudge occasionally.

Colleen

One of these things is not like the others

Which one of these doesn't belong?

Here's the list of the top news items on CBC.ca...


Ex-Liberian leader Taylor boycotts war-crimes trial
Prime Minister Stephen Harper and Environment Minister John Baird arrived late Sunday in Europe to attend two world gatherings, including the Group of Eight summit of industrialized nations. more »

China vows to fight climate change, but rejects caps
China promised Monday to better control greenhouse gases, unveiling a national program to combat global warming, but rejected mandatory caps on emissions as unfair to countries still trying to catch up with the developed West. more »

Khadr to appear before U.S. military court in Cuba
A U.S. military commission in Cuba will charge Omar Khadr, the lone Canadian prisoner held at Guantanamo Bay, with murder and terrorism Monday morning. more »

Paris Hilton checks into L.A. County jail for 3-week stay

Colleen

There's No More Reassuring Voice In Retirement Planning Than Dennis Hopper

(Photo: My financial advisor.)

From The Onion for your morning laugh, courtesy of Becca.

And here's the news release from Ameriprise Financial.

Press Release

New Evolution of Ameriprise Financial Advertising Emphasizes that "Dreams Don't Retire"

Broadcast ads feature actor Dennis Hopper and a 1960s-style red chair

MINNEAPOLIS — September 7, 2006 — Dreams don't retire. That's what Ameriprise Financial, Inc. (NYSE: AMP) is telling over 78 million baby boomers in a new advertising campaign that launches this Sunday, Sept. 10, during the first regular season broadcast of NBC Sunday Night Football at 8 p.m. eastern. The broadcast ads will feature a celebrity familiar to the boomer generation, actor Dennis Hopper.

Developed in conjunction with Saatchi & Saatchi the broadcast ads will feature people pursuing their retirement dreams from building a boat to designing an eco-friendly house. Ads will appear on network and cable in popular programs such as "LOST," "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition," "Desperate Housewives," "CSI: Miami" and "Without a Trace." The integrated campaign will also feature print, radio and online ads.

"Last year's groundbreaking campaign launched the Ameriprise Financial brand and focused on what we do to help boomers achieve their retirement dreams," says Jim Cracchiolo, chairman and chief executive officer of Ameriprise Financial. "Now we're telling boomers how we're redefining financial planning. It all begins with understanding our clients' dreams."

The ads are set in a variety of locations including a beach, salt flats and field of wildflowers that convey the serenity many boomers hope to achieve in retirement. Sitting within these tranquil settings on a 1960s-style red chair is Hopper.

"Our new campaign is a radical departure from standard financial services advertising," says Kim Sharan, EVP and chief marketing and communications officer of Ameriprise Financial. "We are firmly focused on the positive aspects of retirement and our understanding that boomers aren't going to spend this phase of life playing shuffleboard. There is no better figure to personify our message than legendary actor Dennis Hopper who embodies the spirit of the generation. With his help we are speaking with boomers not at them."

In the broadcast ads, Hopper adopts a conversational style. In one version he asks: "You still have things to do, right? You have dreams. And there is no age limit on dreams." In another version he reminds boomers that "the thing about dreams is – they don't retire."

(You can read the rest of the release here, if you're so inclined.)

Losing my nouns

In my last post I erroneously referred to Robert McKee as Bill McKee.

It puts me in mind of Sandra Shamas, a comedian from Sudbury, Ontario. Sandra is well-known for her one-woman acts that document her life. They are, in order, My Boyfriend's Back and There's Gonna Be Laundry, My Boyfriend's Back and There's Gonna Be Laundry: The Cycle Continues, Wedding Bell Hell and Wit's End.

Wit's End marked her return to stage after her retreat to her farm (Wit's End) after her divorce. The show highlighted the rollarcoaster that is the demise of a marriage as well as her adjustment to rural life and the onset of middle age.

"I'm losing my nouns! They are being replaced by adjectives. I can describe what I mean I just can't find the right word... I want that thing. That thing, you know. It's round and red. About this big."

"A ball?"

"Yes, that's it. A ball."

Well, not only am I losing my nouns, I am replacing them willy nilly with whichever moniker darts into my brain at the moment of speaking.

Therefore, Robert to Bill is standard fare. (And Bill and Bob are so close as to be practically identical.)

My kids are becoming pretty good interpreters.

"So, I'll come by at 3:00... "

"You mean 4:00?"

"Right and we'll go see that movie... the one with that actress... you know who I mean... the British one with, oh, what's her name?"

"You mean Judi Dench? "

"No. No. No. The other one you know, she was in that other movie. The one about calendars. Oh, What was it? You know who I mean. She won that award?"

"The Oscar."

"Yes, that one."

"Helen Mirren?"

"YES!"

"The Queen?"

"YES. THAT'S IT!"

My life has become an ongoing game of 20 Questions.

It's exhausting.

Colleen

The Other Thesaurus

To get your day going with a smile.

(Thanks to Becs for sending me this...)

The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

The winners of these neologisms are:

1. Coffee (n.) the person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.) appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.) to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.) to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.) impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.) describes a condition in which you absent-mindedly answer the door in your night gown.

7. Lymph ( v.) to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.) olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.) a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.) a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.) the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon (n) a Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster (n.) a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.) (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent (n.) an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

Have a great day!
Colleen